Why Italy Should Be the 51st State of the USA

Featuring: Why Not Canada, Greenland, or the UK?

Picture this: The glorious stars and stripes plus a cheeky pizza slice on the American flag. There’s a rock-solid case to be made that Italy is destined to join the US. Let’s delve into our “special” shared traits—because, let’s be honest, Canada, Greenland, the UK, or any other country simply can’t compare.

1. A Match Made in Ignorance Heaven

Widespread Ignorance: We Italians have perfected the art of ignoring scientific facts, skimming through history textbooks, and getting lost when someone points out that we aren’t on the center of the world map. Meanwhile, in the US, there’s a time-honored tradition of asking which continent Europe is on or assuming Canada is just a mythic land of maple syrup.
Together, we’d form a tour de force of not knowing basic geography or historical facts—and being unapologetically proud of it!

2. Functional Illiteracy for All

Reading? Overrated. Who has time to read about laws, news, or crucial updates when you can interpret a meme on social media and unleash a flood of angry comments?
In a proud transatlantic alliance, Italy and the US could host “Misreading Olympics,” where contestants square off to see who can distort the meaning of a headline the fastest. Bronze medals are awarded to those who point out that an article is satire only after sharing it 16 times.

3. Politicians Who Make Reality TV Look Tame

Disgraceful Political Class: Corruption, scandals, and nepotism? We have prime ministers with rap sheets longer than a pizzeria menu. You have congresspeople who shut down governments like they’re flipping off a light switch.
In the US, you might think you’ve got the monopoly on mud-slinging campaigns, but Italy would bring a new layer of drama—like opera-level theatrics. We’d have dueling press conferences with politicians singing their rebuttals in Verdi’s style, while American politicians storm out to break the internet with snarky tweets.

4. Borders? What Borders?

Inability to Look Beyond Borders: Italy: “Eh, who needs to learn about world affairs? We have the best cultura anyway.” The US: “World? Do you mean Texas?”
By joining forces, we can ignore two continents’ worth of international perspectives. Imagine the synergy of mutual obliviousness—maybe we can finally start the World Cup of Not Caring About the Rest of the World. The trophy? A giant globe that everyone pretends not to recognize.

5. Pizza: The Real MVP

You’re Welcome, America. We gave you the pizza, and you took it to new heights of cheese-filled, crust-stuffed glory. Let’s be honest, it’s already our biggest contribution to the “Special Relationship.”
If we’re part of the same country, we won’t have to keep hearing about how “pepperoni pizza is the best.” We can unite under the banner of pizza superiority—just don’t ask us what we think about pineapple on pizza. That might cause the first interstate incident between New Italy and Hawaii.

6. We’ve Mastered the Art of Not Speaking Foreign Languages

“Ma è troppo difficile!” The national motto for dodging any language that’s not Italian. Meanwhile, across the pond, you’ve got entire states that believe speaking Spanish is an alien concept—even if half the population is bilingual.
Now think of the comedic value: Two massive populations, each butchering each other’s languages in everyday conversations. The truth is, even if we tried, the hand gestures would do most of the talking. Gestures in universal confusion.

7. Bureaucracy That Could Rival the DMV

Italy’s bureaucracy can trap you in endless loops of forms and stamps, requiring four uncles, two notaries, and a nonna’s signature to get your driver’s license. The US responds with the DMV, a labyrinth that devours entire afternoons.
If united, we’d create the ultimate bureaucratic beast—imagine an international permit that takes 18 months to obtain, only to realize the office you need is on lunch break indefinitely. Dante’s 10th circle of bureaucratic hell, right there.

8. Sports Fans Ready to Take on the Refs

We’ve got soccer hooligans (often disguised as harmless tifosi). You’ve got football fanatics who call in sick when their team loses. Dramatic meltdown? Double check.
Combining forces, we could create a new breed of sports fans that simultaneously complains about both VAR in soccer and questionable pass interference calls in football. The referees would have to unionize just to protect themselves from the wave of cross-Atlantic outrage.

9. A True “Dolce Vita” Meets “Fast Food” Lifestyle

Imagine strolling through Rome, savoring the sights of ancient ruins, sipping an espresso in a quaint piazza—only to top it off with a triple-stack burger and a 64-oz soda from the drive-thru across the street.
We could harmonize the dolce vita with American efficiency: Waiters in Florence asking, “Would you like a venti cappuccino with your carbonara?”—because nothing says amore like a caffeine-induced meltdown at 10 p.m.

Conclusion: Make It Official!

So there you have it—Italy, the 51st star on the American flag. A land where slow-paced Mediterranean charm collides with the unstoppable force of American consumerism. Where ignoring world events becomes a kind of transatlantic pastime. Where pizza, bureaucracy, and questionable politicians reign supreme on both sides of the ocean.

Move over, Puerto Rico—we’re up next. All hail the newly minted “United States of America & Italia” (U.S.A.I.?), a comedic coalition that the world will either fear, revere, or—most likely—just laugh at.

So what do you say? Let’s pop the prosecco and crack open a can of cola: Salute, y’all! We’ll argue about the right pronunciation of “bruschetta” later.

Ciao, and God Bless America—and Italy!
(But mostly pizza.)